We have two natures in our lives, and they are in a constant state of conflict with one another. If we think about the tensions in our life, this makes sense. Why are there times when we think only positive, noble thoughts and other times when our thoughts are the exact opposite? As an example, imagine the best day you’ve ever had, when everything was going your way. Imagine that time when you were feeling on top of the world, when you could see the best in every person and every situation.

Now, think of the lowest moment in your life, the time when you were ashamed of everything you were thinking and feeling. Maybe it is a time you yelled at other people, were impatient with hem, were rude and insulting. Hopefully, this was one of those times you regretted your action as soon as you had done them.

Contrast this to a time when you were positive, encouraging and complimentary to others, one of those days when you were pleased with yourself and the way you are relating to everyone you meet. Your self esteem is at its highest. You believe this is a moment you can take on the world and win.

Now imagine that these two natures occur almost simultaneously and continuously, day in and day out for the duration of our lives. That is one way to describe these two natures existing side by side within each of us and being in a constant conflict with each other.

You’ve experienced this if you’ve ever gone from happiness to anger in the span of a moment, sometimes without even being aware of what has caused the extreme shift. Many people report a real feeling of losing control at these moments. These clashes between our two nature seem to happen more frequently in some people than others. That may be the case. It could also be that some people have learned better control over these two natures, particularly the one that can lead to negative consequences for us and for others.

As we move forward, it can be very helpful to reflect on these conflicting natures as they occur in us and in those around us. Do people you interact  with tend to demonstrate behavior based mostly on one or the other of these conflicting natures? How do you respond when you are confronted with one of these conflicts in others? How do you respond to sudden outbursts of anger or tears in another person? How do you respond when you sense one of these conflicts happening within yourself?

As we move forward, it is helpful to realize that everyone experiences these conflicting natures. Let us work to learn to respond to these conflicts, either as we experience them in ourselves or others.

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We come into this world with a total lack of patience. We cry when we are experiencing hunger, wet diapers, tiredness or other unsettling experiences. We demand, and usually get immediate satisfaction in part because those charged with our care want us to stop crying, but also because, out of their love for us, they really want our needs to be met so we will be satisfied and content. They are patient with us, even in the midst of our impatience.

From these beginnings, we gradually learn to be patient. It may be something as simple as waiting for our turn to play with a toy another child has at the moment. We learn to eat at pre-determined meal times, not simply on demand. We learn to be patient until it is our turn. This can be in simple games we play with others. It continues in school, where we learn to raise our hand and wait to be called on before speaking out in class.

We learn patience as we move toward longer term goals. The transitions in the school structure-elementary, junior high and high school, ideally teach us to be patient as we progress from one level to another. Even waiting for things like vacation, Spring break and summer time all help to reinforce the benefits to be gained from being patient.

Patience is a vital part of our adult lives as well. We learn patience in waiting for adult relationships to develop. Sometimes patience involves putting up with people who make us uncomfortable. It is clearly an act of maturity to develop patience in these situations.

As we move forward, it might be helpful to assess our own level of patience in various situations. A good way to think about this is to consider how people respond to us in a variety of settings. Are we someone people want to be around and to spend time with, or are we a person others tend to avoid?

Careful listening is a way to develop patience. This, coupled with a sincere interest in others, tends to identify a patient person. Most of us would agree patience seems to be in short supply in our world at large. This may be why patient people are valued and sought after in developing and building lasting, meaningful relationships.

As we move forward, it is a worthy goal to seek to develop patience in everything we do. The world certainly needs more patient people. I pledge to be one. How about you?

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It is one thing to look forward to major events in our lives. We look forward to Christmas, to birthdays, to vacations. Often the anticipation adds to the overall enjoyment once the event occurs. Young people look forward to moving forward in school, then graduation and the things that follow.

There are also unexpected things that happen. Some of these are pleasant, like getting a surprise gift or having someone special visit. We have one way of handling this type of unexpected event. Most of us respond very well in these circumstances.

There are things that come just as suddenly and without warning that are not so pleasant. Some of these unpleasant events have a serious impact on our lives yet are totally beyond our control. It can sometimes see as if no one cares what effect this event has on us.

These events can vary in severity, but the effect is essentially the same. Having someone suddenly act cruelly toward us is not the same as the death of a loved one, but the effect can be the same. We can experience strong emotions ranging from disappointment and fear to hurt and anger. Sometimes we have a delayed reaction to unexpected events. We experience a type of shock, which can delay our reaction to the unexpected event or even trigger a different emotional response. An example of this would be an angry outburst where sadness or disappointment would be the expected response to a particular sudden unexpected event.

Health related events can be especially complex in the emotional responses they trigger. Because these unexpected events may lead to life-altering adjustments, the range of our emotional responses may be broad and at times confusing to ourselves and others. Unexpected events in our lives will happen. Because they tend to disrupt our lives to a greater or lesser degree, their impact seems to be magnified as we view the event in the context of what was going on at the time and what followed. Another way of saying this is that the context of an event has a lot to do with our responses to it.

An accident or health related event miles from home can bring about many emotions just because of the difficulty of dealing with all the non-related issues that being far from family surroundings can bring out in us.

As we move forward, it might be useful to review unexpected events in our lives and how the circumstances surrounding the event shaped our responses. This can help us recognize what our various responses indicate and how best to deal with them.

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“You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” Think for a moment about the first time you met some of the people who are or have been a part of your life. While you can’t remember the first time you “met” your parents, chances are they have a vivid memory of their first impression of you. This may be one time when the impression others have on first meeting you is not based on how you presented yourself. Chances  are your parents immediately felt unconditional love for you even if you were screaming your head off.

Most of our other first impressions in life have a lot more to with how we present ourselves, how we overcome and nervousness and the responses we get from the people we are meeting. Can you remember the first child you played with? Do you remember how you each greeted the other one? Do you have memories of meeting relatives, aunts, uncles, cousins? How did the first impressions made in these early encounters shape the relationships that followed?

How hard did you work at being the kind of person people enjoy meeting. Did you really try to get others to like you? How successful were you in that? These early experiences, whether positive or negative, probably has a lot to do with how you have handles first impressions throughout your life from that time on.

Think about memorable days, such as your first day of school. What did you do to make a good first impression on other students, your teacher? What do you remember about some of those first-time meetings? Did you form any lasting relationships following those meetings.

Who is the most famous person you have ever met? How do you recall that meeting? What was your first impression of that person? How has the impression from that meeting shaped your thought and feelings about that person? The same questions could be asked about things like first dates, job interviews, first days at work. As you think about some of these days and the first impressions that went along with them, how important have first impressions been in shaping some of your very important, meaningful relationships?

As we move forward, we can become aware that we are involved in making first impressions every day. While we can not be at our best every hour of every day, we can approach every day with the resolve to treat everyone  we meet as if they are about to become the most important person in our life.

 Enjoy the journey through a life lived making the very best first impressions possible. From these we can and will build some truly amazing relationships.

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At every point in our lives, we are faced with expectations. As life begins, our expectations are that every need or desire will be satisfied—instantly. As we grow, our expectations still focus on basic needs such as shelter, food and safety, among others. Expectations become mutual as our lives develop through our various relationships. Our families have certain expectations, which can vary depending on whether the current relationship is with parents, siblings, or members of our extended family.

We develop the expectations we have of others at the same time we are forming our patterns of responding to the various expectations others have of us. While there are many different responses to the ever increasing number of expectations in our growing number of relationships, we do develop certain styles of response to the expectations of others.

It is normal to treat family members with love and respect. It is also normal to respond with emotions like fear when we are not treated well. How we handle these expectations that are other than normal has a lot to do with the personality’s was styles we develop as we grow up. If we have positive initial experiences like family and school, it usually means our expectations for these settings will be positive.

Every relationship we experience carries these mutual expectations. Understanding the various expectations we encounter and developing appropriate responses to the expectations of others goes a long way to determining how we do in establishing and maintaining healthy relationships in all areas of our lives.

As we move forward, it can be helpful to understand the expectations that are part of our various relationships. It can be helpful to look at a few of your more important relationships. What expectations do you have for the people in your personal relationships? What expectations do they have for you? How about work? Asking these questions can be very valuable in experiencing the most productive and rewarding relationships we are  capable of.

As we move forward, let’s remember we cannot control the expectations others have of us. With understanding we can modify our expectations when necessary to achieve lasting, positive relationships. As in many things, satisfaction often begins with understanding.

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If we put money in a vending machine, and we receive what we anticipated, that would be a totally anticipated consequence. Receiving something different—an item we did not select, would be an unanticipated consequence. As in this example, our responses can range from happiness to disappointment, depending on the outcome.

One area where unintended consequences can be huge involve occasional contacts. I will often engage a server in a restaurant in conversation. Depending on how busy they are, these conversations can be very informative. Who knows when one of these conversations might lead someone to consider something in their lives that makes things better.

I have spoken to many people who can point to one event or even one conversation that changed the course of their lives. These unintended consequences happen Every day. Think of the occasions when teaching someone how to jump rope, throw a ball, sing or play an instrument might result in the unintended consequence of a new hobby. Even a career.

Just think how watching a performance, whether athletic, musical or dramatic might influence the direction of someone’s life. In much the same way, giving encouragement and guidance to someone doing something can help affirm a leading to follow that activity even further in life.

Teachers are obvious sources of these unintended consequences, but so might co-workers, supervisors or customers be.The truth is we never know when our words and actions might trigger positive unintended consequences in someone else.

As we move forward, join me in always being on the lookout for doing or saying something to another that might result in a positive unintended consequence in someone’s life. Even though we may seldom if ever know of these consequences, it is exciting to live our lives with the possibility. Just think of the people who have triggered unintended consequences in your life and resolve to follow that pattern.

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What do you think of when you hear the term service? Perhaps you think of how you were treated the last time you went to a restaurant. Maybe you  remember the experience of getting maintenance on your car. Perhaps you think of your most recent experience with a salesperson at a store. Just as likely, you might think of your last transaction at a bank. Maybe your memory is the way you were dealt with in buying a movie ticket or concessions.

Today a great deal of our understanding of service may involve something we did online. Maybe it was searching for a phone number only to encounter the seemingly endless “options” none of which may address your specific concern or answer your need for precise information.

Hopefully your experiences of receiving service will also include those times when the individual providing the service seemed to identify with exactly what you were trying to accomplish and acted as if providing the service to you was the most important thing on their agenda.

Some of us have or had jobs which involve providing service. Think about some of your experiences in providing service. What comes to mind? Admittedly, some people do not have a mindset for service. There are those people who see everyone else’s actions only in terms of how these actions affect them. We have all been the victim of someone from whom we were seeking to receive some sort of service only to have the person act as if our very presence was an inconvenience to them. Who has not left such a situation in frustration feeling as if the person providing service thought they were doing us a favor?

What is it, then, that marks someone who is truly good at providing service? First, this person must truly operate from the point of view of wanting to understand the things another person both wants and needs. It goes further, though. That understanding must be followed by a genuine desire to place the wants and needs of someone else ahead of your own. Again, not everyone possesses this ability. A person with the true heart of a servant does. A person truly committed to service is not a doormat or a martyr. They are also not weak. Their genuine commitment to offer the things another person needs and wants is actually a sign of great strength.

As we move forward, it is important to ask where you fall on this spectrum. Do you genuinely care more about the needs and desires of other people  than you do your own? Then you may have the true servant’s heart. If you do not, that’s ok. Just recognize that is who you are. It is my hope that you will recognize your own servant’s heart and begin to achieve increasing satisfaction from understanding others and helping them achieve their needs, wants and deepest desires. If this is you, you may not always be thanked, but you will be appreciated. Servants are always needed. There are never enough.

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We each develop a self concept and hopefully a positive self image. One way these important aspects of our personalities develop is through affirmation. We have all affirmed a small child by praising the things they do. These affirmations have the effect of reinforcing the behavior through the reward of praise and attention. It is the fortunate child who is surrounded by people who affirm them at every opportunity.

Sadly, there are some children who grow up without affirmations in some or all of the areas of their lives. It might be something as simple as living far away from significant people who are committed to affirming the young person. In some cases separation through such things as illness, death or adults with overwhelming work or activity deprives the child of needed affirmations.

At some point in life peer groups become an important source of needed affirmations. Here, too, the right individuals and groups can provide the necessary affirmations to lead to development of a well-rounded personality and the practice of skills that lead to a successful, happy life. Since the later childhood and adolescent years are a time for trying new things, affirmation becomes a very important aspect of character development.

Affirmations really require a few simple things. We have to focus on another person, to the exclusion of yourself and your needs. It requires us to listen in depth to another person, to understand what they really feel good about in their lives and then to use language that is encouraging and supportive of them.

Healthy relationships, both personal and professional, tend to be based on this kind of behavior. Affirmations do require a little understanding of the things that make up the life of another person, but this is mostly information they will gladly give us if we only ask and show a little interest in their lives.

As we move forward, it might be useful to look at our own lives to see where and from whom we receive and have received affirmation over our  lives. What effect has that had on who we have become? Is there anyone we wish had affirmed us who did not, and how did that affect our lives?

Who are the people in our lives we have affirmed or are currently affirming? As we move forward, I encourage you to seek out opportunities where you can affirm someone else. That helps make life a really enjoyable and productive journey. As a final thought, who not thank someone who has affirmed you. You might make their day!

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Each of us has a comfort zone. That is the area, both physical and emotional, where we believe ourselves to be safe from harm and even undue stress. The understanding of where our comfort zone is can and often does change radically at different points in our lives.

When we were infants, our comfort zone was everything and everyone in our world. We knew only our immediate needs, such as the need for food and sleep, with the periodic need for a dry diaper. We voiced our discomfort until someone in our ur comfort zone made the discomfort stop. That absolute lining up of our comfort zone with the world around us slowly gave way to the world of relationships.

Certain people made us happy. Maybe one or two had loud voices and made us sad. As our field of relationships grew, we realized more clearly the situations and relationships that worked to support us in our comfort zone and those that tended to put us outside, often against our will.

New situations, even though exciting, tend to take us out of our comfort zone, if only for a short time. The anxious feelings of the first day of school are often “out of comfort zone” experiences. As we gain the familiarity and confidence of these new situations, we return to our comfort zone.

A part of growing up is deliberately moving out of our comfort zone on occasion. The best possible outcome involves learning that trying new situations leads to pleasant outcomes and increases our willingness to try new things and thereby expand our comfort zone. The phrase, “Practice makes perfect” expresses the best outcome of constantly expanding both our experiences and our comfort zone.

Sometimes events in our lives lead us to retreat within ourselves and make our comfort zone smaller. Suffering a tragic experience like a loss, a serious illness or a major disappointment in one of our relationships can make us unable or unwilling to expand our comfort zone. We all know people who seem to get stuck in a comfort zone that appears to limit what they are able to accomplish in their lives. We tend to see people experiencing this as being fearful, nervous, even angry.

As we move forward, it is good to be aware of where our comfort zone is as well as where those of others are. I believe each of us does the very best we can in every situation. Are there areas of your comfort zone you would like to expand? What might be holding you back? What is one thing you do  today to nudge your comfort zone just a little? Can you think of someone who seems to be struggling with a small comfort zone? Is there some bi of encouragement you can offer that might help them?

As we move forward, let us seek for ourselves comfort zones that allow us the best experiences we can have in life.

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We are confronted with limits every day and in every area of life. Some are so obvious we deal with them automatically. When we get into our car, the first thing we do is observe the speed limit. We know the speed limit around our home or work and follow these without thinking. As we drive into more unfamiliar surroundings, we are constantly alert to the signs that tell us how fast we can go in a particular part of the road. We also deal with speed limits imposed in temporary situations such as construction zones or school zones. Some highways have digital signs that can change with differing traffic conditions.

Some limiting situations are based on universally recognized symbols. Have you ever thought how strange it is to stop simply because a light in front of you is red? Of course, some symbols indicating limits are subject to differing interpretations. While we all know a yellow light means caution, I have seen some people who seem to think it means hit the accelerator to rush through the intersection before the light changes.

Some signs and symbols seek to limit behavior. No smoking signs seek to limit a behavior that seemingly has a strong motivation to its adherents. Smoking is a behavior where the effort to limit the practice has changed drastically over time. Not that many years ago airplanes and restaurants as well as many other public places had designated smoking areas. Smoking areas used to be right next to each other, with no real physical barrier. It seemed ridiculous to think that the signs would do anything to limit the smoke from entering a non-smoking area. New limits require smokers to physically remove themselves and the smoke they create from the non-smoking areas.

Limits on the use of electronic devices such as cell phones have risen in direct proportion to the use of these devices in our society. A common factor in these limits is that they are based on principles on which society seems mainly in agreement. Sometimes we live with limits we struggle with. Sometimes we are in relationships, personal or professional, where another person seeks to put limits in place that seem unreasonable.

As we move forward, we should constantly be examining the limits in our lives, especially the ones that are imposed and enforced by persons who seem to have little if any regard for the person whose behavior is being limited. It is the mature person who can recognize legitimate limits, such as speed limits and who can also understand and recognize limits which seem to only benefit one person or a small group without regard to the rights or feelings of the person whose behavior is being limited.

As we move forward, let us strive in our lives of others to support legitimate limits and to at least help each other understand any unreasonable limits in their lives. This can be very powerful and very freeing.

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