There is a piece of folk wisdom that says we are known by the company we keep. Another aspect of that is that we tend to be influenced by the people we associate with. Some of these associations seem to come with little or no choice on our part. As children, we cannot control the family we are a part of, the other children in our neighborhood and/or school. As adults, we sometimes find ourselves in work environments we do not choose. While it might seem that who we associate with is something beyond our control, I suggest there is a difference between those people we spend time with in a controlled setting like school or work and the people we associate with in voluntary relationships.

History is filled with the accounts of people who overcame limitations stemming from circumstances of background and accomplished extraordinary things. Although the reasons for these people’s success varies, a common factor seems to be the introduction of possibility thinking into their life experience.

I have always been a person who is able to see the possibilities in my life and the lives of others. For this reason, I’ll admit this way of thinking comes easily and naturally to me. I am always surprised when someone chooses to approach a decision in a different way. What this means is that if you talk with me about something you are considering, I am much more likely to ask ”Why not,” than “Why.”

As you think about the people you associate with, are there more people who ask you “why” or “why not.” I listen to the “why” people in my life to see if any of their objections raise valid reasons I should not consider doing something. I find in my life there are always more than enough “why” people, people who have never done what I am considering. In fact, I often ask myself what these people have done that gives them credibility in evaluating what I am considering doing.

I am looking for the “why not” people who will listen to an idea and encourage it. I seem to never have too many of these people in my life. They tend to be the people who are off pursuing their own dreams, while encouraging me and others to pursue ours.

“Why” people tend to be critical of others. The function of criticism is to get you to change your behavior so I will feel better. Critical people-”why” people -seem to want to bring everyone around them down to their level so everyone can be as unhappy as they are. I don’t know about you, but that’s not how I want to live my life.

“Why not” people realize that not every dream becomes a reality. Because they are focused on achieving and the success of others, they are able to quickly move ahead to find a better, more realistic dream if the current one doesn’t accomplish all it was supposed to.
As we move forward, I urge you to find “why not” people to encourage you and your dreams. These people will lift you up–not drag you down. I would like for us to be “why not” people to one another. Dream big–why not!!

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One of the exciting aspects of the trend toward Person Centered Planning is the possibility that many things in our lives may actually move us in the direction of really achieving the things in life that will bring satisfaction and happiness. It is very important through this process to constantly ask, ”Who am I listening to?” We all have a number of sources we go to for guidance, direction, information and advice. Not every one of these sources is equally valuable to us in helping achieve these goals.

It is fairly easy to find people in our lives who will tell us why we should or should not do almost anything we might be considering. The problem is unless the people we are listening to have actually experienced the thing you are considering, they might have no real understanding the outcome of doing or not doing something.

It is also fairly easy to find people in our lives who know why “they” should and should not do things that affect us. “They”can be anyone in our lives we want to blame for almost anything that affects us. We can give “they” an incredible amount of power to affect the outcomes in our lives. “They” don’t understand us. “They” keep us from many things that would benefit us.

In a truly person centered environment, we learn to ask certain questions every time we listen to someone. We ask what this person really can teach us about a particular decision we are considering. The best advice comes from someone with actual knowledge and experience in a particular situation. I have opinions on many subjects. I have actual knowledge on a much smaller range of subjects. Obviously, I would be a better person to listen to in those areas I have actual knowledge.

In dealing with the “they’s” in our lives, a first question to ask is ,”Why are these people doing or not doing something?” An action that seems to be directed at me and not in my best interest may make sense if I take the time to find out the reasoning behind it. I still might agree or disagree, but understanding makes things much easier to accept. I have actually learned a lot from gaining understanding of the actions of people with whom I disagree.

Adult children often make decisions that take them in directions that differ from those of their parents. That is as it should be. The goal of parenting is to equip children to be independent adults. When respect remains at the root of the relationship, everyone benefits. My values as an adult are very similar to the ones I was taught as a child. When I adopted my values and beliefs as an adult, I accepted both the things I had listened to and adopted as my own and the things I decided to modify. To me, that is the ongoing process of living in relationship with other people.

Who do you choose to listen to? Who are you compelled by circumstances to listen to? Who are the “they’s” in your life? How hard have you worked to understand these people and their point of view? What have you learned from this? I believe the answers to these questions goes a long way toward moving us forward. Not doing it can leave us angry, confused and stuck. Working through these questions helps us achieve our desired outcomes in person centered living.

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What would you try if you knew you absolutely could not fail? That is an important question. Many people never try anything for fear of failure. They convince themselves they could never accomplish a particular thing so they never try. The result can be a life of regret. It doesn’t have to be that way. When your dreaming brings you to the things that seem impossible, or at least out of reach, it is always possible to find a related activity you can do that falls into the “impossible to fail” category.

If your dream is to have a particular career, you can go on the internet and find everything you can related to that career. You can utilize social media in this quest. There are YouTube videos on literally anything and everything. You can find out a lot about what the particular career is through these sources, as well as Facebook and Twitter. Through social media, you can talk with people involved in the career you are interested in and explore options and possibilities you might never have considered.


Whatever the activity represented by your dream, you can explore it thoroughly without risking or investing more than your time. You might decide that the outcome of pursuing and reaching that particular dream would not be enough for you to give up the time, effort and money to reach the dream. I have used this method several times. At several times in my life, I have thought about law school. I found a program that
would get me the necessary degree. When I thought about what was involved and what I would gain from it, I realized I did not want it enough to go through the process.

I had a similar experience with a dream I had to earn a PhD. I found a program that would earn for me the degree, in a field where I have a great deal of interest. I actually got to the point of applying for the program. The more I weighed what would be involved against what I would gain, I realized I did not want it enough to pursue it.

There are several things in my life I have wanted enough to pursue to the point of completion. The similarity is that all of them started with an initial exploration. I do not plan to ever give up that first step. I do not want my initial response to a new idea or a new opportunity to be,”Oh, I could never do that!” I would much rather say,”I took a look at that, and here is what I decided.” I have learned valuable lessons each time I considered turning an idea into a dream.

So,what is one thing you would do if you absolutely knew you could not fail? Try it, and see where it takes you. You just might discover something–a dream that will change your life.

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One of the strongest influences regarding how we function in various situations is point of view. So many factors contribute to point of view it would be impossible to list them all. Our backgrounds and interests are big factors. The experiences we have had and the ways we have responded to them have a lot to do with our current responses. Our relationships, past as well as present, can have a profound impact on our point of view.

The matter is further complicated because things like our health, our satisfaction with our work environment, our concerns about issues that affect our culture, including politics, can all become factors in forming our point of view. I believe that most of us have several blind spots when it comes to our own point of view. I can think of several areas where I believe my point of view is, if not the only one, certainly the one that makes the most sense! What’s more, I suspect that I am not alone in this.

What do you do when your point of view is at odds with that of someone else? We all know people who argue and insist that theirs is the only acceptable point of view. We all know how frustrating it can be to be on the receiving end of that kind of one sided conversation.

The most effective response to point of view is understanding. To the extent that we can put ourselves in the place of someone else, we can come to see situations from their point of view. The hard part of that is setting aside everything we think we know about something and truly see things through the eyes of someone else. When we are able to do this, several amazing things happen. Understanding a situation from another person’s point of view gives us a greater understanding of the situation at hand.

This time at the end of every year–what we call the holiday season–is an example of seeing things from differing points of view. There are so many points of view regarding the holiday season that it is actually amazing that there is as much agreement as there is. I doubt any of us can grasp all the various points of view held by people regarding this time of year. Religious, cultural, social traditions seem to grow more varied every year. How many different points of view are you aware of regarding the holidays?

How many different points of view have you made an attempt to understand? How successful have you been so far? How much could you improve someone’s experience of the holidays by seeing things from their point of view?

How about trying a little experiment. From now to the end of the year, try to see as many things as you can from someone else’s point of view. This means you will have to ask questions to find out what their point of view is. It also means you will have to practice not expressing your own point of view until you understand theirs. This can be challenging, but it can also be extremely satisfying.

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Every year an event is held near my hometown that attracts the best people in a very narrow specialty. The National Rifle and Pistol Matches draws some of the best shooters from around the world and some of the finest guns ever made. When I was growing up, I met some of the shooters and, on a few occasions, some of the weapons. I have very little first hand with guns and shooting, but I have always been impressed with the level of commitment that motivates someone to acquire both the skill and the weapon to compete in an event like the National Rifle and Pistol Matches.

When I look at people who appear to have achieved success in anything, the common element I see is their ability to be specific about the goal they are after. It is far from easy, especially in a culture like ours that offers an infinite number of choices, to focus on a specific goal, aim for that goal and develop and carry out a plan for reaching it. There is actually a term for the difficulty of making a specific choice. FOMO–”Fear of Missing Out” means that making one specific choice rules out another choice. There are people who go from one thing to another believing that the newest thing on the horizon is better than the current one.

Being specific in setting goals doesn’t mean we can’t modify or even change direction. Many of you know I am more than twenty years into my second career. Another way of phrasing it, is that my career has taken two different paths–so far! Each has come from following a very specific dream. Each has utilized my primary gifts, and each has brought me satisfaction in achieving specific goals and objectives.

I often ask people, ”What would you do if time and money weren’t a factor?” I believe if we start at that point, we can come up with very specific dreams that can be turned into reality. Another question I sometimes ask is, ”What would you try if you knew you could not fail?” Ask yourself these questions, and you will be on the way to finding out what specific goals you have. You may find you are already working toward your goals. Fantastic! If so, keep up the good work and encourage others. If not, get specific with yourself about what dreams you would like to turn into goals.

Write down the specifics you come up with. Tell someone you trust what specifics you come up with. Both of these will get you on the road to accomplishing your dreams. Remember, be as specific as you can. This life is a fascinating journey if you know where you are planning to go.

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As we strive to grow in establishing and maintaining healthy relationships, we look for those elements that appear to be a part of every good relationship and seem to be lacking in those that are not successful. One thing good relationships tend to be established on is respect.
Definition of respect: “Deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.”
Example of respect: “The director had a lot of respect for Douglas as an actor.”

A response to someone that is based on feelings is something we really cannot choose. We like or dislike someone based on a variety of subjective emotionally based responses. Respect for another person is something we can offer as a part of whatever relationship we have entered into. The respect can be based on a commitment to a shared set of values, an agreement to work toward a shared goal, or something else that is mutually valued and gives a common purpose to whatever prompted the people involved to enter the relationship in the first place.

Respect can keep a relationship going in the midst of obstacles. We can have respect for someone we disagree with as long as the disagreement does not violate our core values. Respect can also allow people of widely different abilities and experience levels to work together. I am not a detail oriented person. I respect and admire the abilities of detail oriented people, even beyond my limited understanding of how that ability works. I enjoy working on projects with detail oriented people as long as my lack of detail orientation does not limit the value someone sees in my contribution to the project and to the relationship.

It is possible to be in a meaningful relationship with someone who holds different beliefs in certain areas as long as the person’s values, their core beliefs are not in direct conflict with your own. Offering respect in a situation like this gives both people the opportunity to learn and explore new and different ideas.

If a relationship reaches a point where one or both parties no longer respect one another, the relationship changes. If one person in a relationship believes the other has violated the basic terms of the relationship, causing a lack of respect, this puts the relationship in serious jeopardy. Communicating expectations and what each person understands those expectations to be is essential in maintaining respect and a healthy relationship.

Think about several of your important relationships. Do you respect the other person? Do you believe they respect you? Are you part of any relationships where you think there is a lack of respect? How does being in one of those relationships make you feel? Have you been part of any relationships where respect has been violated or withdrawn? What has that felt like?

Think about one or two of your “best” relationships. Are they based on respect? Are you part of any relationships that could be improved if respect was a bigger part of them? What is one simple thing you can do to show more respect in just one of your relationships? Have fun trying it out.

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The way we respond to stress and anxiety can give us a lot of information about how we function in relation to other people. In these situations, where you seem to be out of control and have no solution in sight, do you feel helpless or hopeless? That might sound like a very simple distinction, but it actually says a lot about the coping mechanisms we have available when we feel overwhelmed.

The helpless person tends to see himself/herself struggling against others, against outside forces against who we see ourselves as unable to prevail. There is a blame orientation to this thinking in which someone else is responsible for what I am experiencing. If only I were strong enough, powerful enough, smart enough, etc, to be victorious, I would win. I would succeed. I would no longer be helpless.

Life for the person who experiences frustration as helpless is always a battle against others. There is a basic assumption among people who view life this way that life is a competition. Success and relationships are viewed in terms of how we are doing compared to others.

People who experience frustration as hopelessness tend to see themselves as the reason for the failure that led to the anxiety or frustration. They believe that if somehow they had been better, smarter, more capable, things would have turned out differently. People with an orientation towards hopelessness blame themselves rather than others when things do not go well.

The helpless person can be said to operate out of a mindset of outward blame, while the hopeless person is seen as using inward blame. A helpless person can be depicted as flailing and yelling in all directions, aggressively attacking whoever or whatever out there is causing the misery they are experiencing. While not alone, the helpless person can often be feeling very lonely.

The hopeless person can be pictured as standing, sitting or lying, drawn in on him/herself, totally isolated because no one else is responsible for the frustration and anxiety of the moment.

In the words of a pop-culture expression of psychology in vogue a number of years ago, the helpless person would say. “I’m OK–You’re NOT OK,” while the hopeless person would reply,”I’m NOT OK–You’re OK.”

These examples of helpless and hopelessness are oversimplifications, but they do give us basic tools to begin to look at how we relate to others and to begin to understand why some of our relationships go in the directions they do. Are you a helpless or a hopeless person in terms of responding to extreme anxiety and frustration. Is “it” someone else’s fault or yours? You might want to have a conversation with a few people close to you to be sure you understand your orientation. It may not be easy to determine.

I believe every insight we gain in how we interact with others can be helpful in our personal growth. Helplessness and hopelessness are neither bad or good. They just tell us a little bit about the amazing person we are. Happy discovery.

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Recently, I was in a computer store at a mall. I was there to check on the condition of the battery in a cell phone. I was met at the entrance by someone from the store, asking me if I had an appointment. When I said I did, he verified the electronic check in process and told me someone would be with me momentarily. I was led from place to place by people who had a great deal of technical competence and who kept asking for data which they entered into their electronic device. After a while, and after repeatedly looking at their electronic device, the person told me what was going to happen, how long it would take to do what they were prepared to do, and what it would cost me to do it. I agreed to the terms they outlined, and they walked away to do whatever they do when they go behind the doors to the work area. At the specified time, I returned, and we completed the transaction, after which I left.

I left the store, glad to have my phone working again, but aware I had been a very passive participant in the communication that had just taken place. My role in the process seemed limited to physically bringing my phone in, listening and responding to the questions directed to me and taking my phone away once it was over.

How many times have you seen people in a public setting, such as a restaurant, where everyone at the table was engaged in some activity that involved use of an electronic device. Those participating could have been playing a game, texting, emailing instant messaging with someone across the country or in the next room. Regardless, there was virtually no communication taking place among the people seated around the table.

Think about what happens in most of the communication you are involved with. How much do you share with those with whom you are communicating about what is going on in your life or theirs? Maybe you are someone who does not have much use for “small talk,” casual conversation without a particular agenda. Perhaps you simply don’t know or have forgotten how to do this.

Think of the last time you were acutely aware that someone had really been listening to you. What was going on in the conversation that took place? Would it surprise you to realize that “you” were probably the topic of that communication where you really felt listened to? Someone asks how you are doing and probes to hear more than just, ”Fine.” Has anyone ever asked you what your dreams are? Have they taken the time to really listen?

In real communication, we take our feelings, thoughts and intentions public and risk sharing them with another person, who filters our words through their own feelings, thoughts and intentions. It takes time and work to have that kind of communication with someone else. A simple exercise is to ask someone something and keep asking them until you have a sense you really understand what they have told you. Then ask them if you have heard what they were trying to say.

Why not try this with someone. See if you don’t enjoy listening almost as much as they enjoy being listened to.

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Do you find it difficult making decisions? Many people get to the point of deciding to take all the valuable information they have been accumulating and find themselves frozen at the point of taking the first step in any direction. Frustration over decision making can occur at many levels in life. How often do you approach the choice of where to go to have a meal only to be frustrated at picking a restaurant. Some people have this difficulty in settling on a vacation destination.

It seems that young people seeking to find a career–their calling in life–are faced with an almost infinite number of choices. How do you decide what you want to “be” when faced with the knowledge that you can “be”nearly anything you set your mind to. It is easy to find periods in history when the course of one’s life was largely dictated by the circumstances surrounding one’s birth.

“Decision making is the specific executive task” – Peter Drucker. That does not mean that only executives make decisions. It does set decision making apart as an act of creativity. A decision marks a turning point. Something changes as the direct result of a decision. Another way of saying this is there are consequences to every decision. One thing is selected. Another is not.

Do you make decisions based solely on the effect the decision will have on you, or do you thoroughly evaluate the effect the decision you are contemplating will have on others? Do you make decisions that are consistent with your values, your mission, your passions? What do your decisions say to others about your beliefs?

“Your life changes the moment you make a new, congruent, and committed decision” – Tony Robbins. Even to decide to do nothing involves a decision. If we begin to view decisions as a set of simple acts, designed to trigger a particular behavior or pattern of behavior, we can begin to take responsibility for every decision we make. The good news is we do not have to make every decision over and over. The only time we have to do that is when we realize we have made a decision or series of decisions that are not consistent with all the things we know about ourselves.

“Change is the end result of all true learning. Change involves three things: First, a dissatisfaction with self — a felt void or need; second, a decision to change to fill the void or need; and third, a conscious dedication to the process of growth and change — the willful act of making the change, doing something” – Leo Buscaglia. So, consider decision making as one of your basic tools. Start small with simple decisions, easy to carry through on. Like any tool, practice improves competence. Make decisions every time the opportunity presents itself.

Don’t be afraid of making a decision you will have to change. That is how we learn. “Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen” – Ralph Waldo Emerson. Emerson’s sentiments may sound lofty, but there is something to be said for the fact that decisions lead to outcomes. Don’t dwell on decisions. “All my life, whenever it comes time to make a decision, I make it and forget about it” – Harry S. Truman. As President, Truman faced some overwhelming obstacles. His decisions impact the world through the present. Decide and move forward is good advice. I want to end with a quote from famous motivational speaker Tony Robbins concerning making decisions.

“You are now at a crossroads. This is your opportunity to make the most important decision you will ever make. Forget your past. Who are you now? Who have you decided you really are now? Don’t think about who you have been. Who are you now? Who have you decided to become? Make this decision consciously. Make it carefully. Make it powerfully” – Tony Robbins. Make decisions, and enjoy the process!!

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One of the most difficult things to achieve in life is balance. In terms of overall satisfaction with life, we might be inclined to think things like money, possessions or prestige in employment put us high in the satisfaction ranking. Numerous studies over the years show that any or all of these things do not make people rank their happiness or satisfaction with life higher than other factors. What shows up time after time is how having consistent, uniform satisfaction over the various phases of life leads to happiness and fulfillment.

A model has been developed to assist in looking at our life and determining both balance and satisfaction and areas we need to work on to achieve these things.

Most versions of this model start by drawing a wheel with a number of spokes. Each spoke is labeled with one element of life. Although the elements vary with different versions of the wheel, the list includes such things as family, career, health, financial, education, recreation, charitable acts, adventure, travel, romance, relationships, and spiritual. Your wheel may not include everyone of these spokes, and your life may contain a few not here, but this is a pretty comprehensive list of the various aspects of life.

The next part of the exercise involves rating each spoke as to your satisfaction with it, using a scale like one to ten, with one being not at all satisfied and ten being completely satisfied.

A look at the wheel after completing the exercise will show you areas in which you need to develop a plan to increase satisfaction, and thereby balance. The wheel gives a good overall model for observing and evaluating your life and determining where you are going to start doing things that will increase satisfaction and work toward achieving balance.

“Wisdom is your perspective on life, your sense of balance, your understanding of how the various parts and principles apply and relate to each other. It embraces judgment, discernment, comprehension. It is a gestalt or oneness, and integrated wholeness” – Stephen Covey.

Obviously, if you discover low satisfaction in a number of the spokes, you will want to pick out one aspect of life to focus on at a time. This exercise may tell you exactly what you already knew, or it may show you some surprising insights into areas of life where you really need to work to increase satisfaction to achieve balance. The wheel can be used on a regular basis to check on progress and to help determine when you are ready to focus on increasing satisfaction, happiness and balance in another area of life.

“If we put the emphasis upon the right things, if we live the life that is worth while and then fail, we will survive all disasters, we will out-live all misfortune. We should be so well balanced and symmetrical, that nothing which could ever happen could throw us off our center, so that no matter what misfortune should overtake us, there would still be a whole magnificent man or woman left after being stripped of everything else” – Orison Swett Marden.

That balance will bring out our core values and will give us the stability in our overall life to make us happy, motivated, satisfied people. I hope you enjoy this exercise to see where you can begin to improve the balance in your life.

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